Some Advice For Parents Sending Children Off To College

Bill e-mailed me a little while ago asking if I had any advice for his co-worker, whose daughter is about to head off to college. I liked some of my response and thought it might be worth posting a portion of it here, in case anyone finds themselves in a similar situation. I also think it will help me consolidate some of my thoughts and experiences during my brief but enjoyable stint as a residence director. If any of my colleagues from BU are reading this, I’m sure you have great ideas to contribute to this topic. Feel free to add comments or write to me and I can post addenda to the original post.

One of the most important things for students and parents to keep in mind is that the undergraduate experience has different meaning today than it did a generation ago. Today, a lot of students are learning about self-advocacy, relationships, and how to manage on their own in the world, rather than necessarily honing in on a vocation or just bearing school to get an initial degree. That being said, it helps for parents AND students to think intentionally about and discuss the desired outcomes of the college experience. It helps to discuss them openly, especially because parents and their kids may have different outcomes in mind. And these outcomes should probably go deeper than just getting a degree. If a student wants to pay a lot of money for a piece of paper, she can enroll in the University of Phoenix, live at home, and work at a local movie theater (and there’s nothing to say that there aren’t benefits in taking that angle, as many do these days). It’s okay if the desired outcomes are different, because all of the ideas in the child-parent unit are important and relevant. Listen to each other and try to understand your own motivations as well as the other’s.

I also think it’s important to have a discussion about how to handle social activities such as parties where there is drinking and other events where the environment is not necessarily controlled. Every parent has assumptions about their child’s social life and these assumptions can range from very accurate to not-so-accurate. Regardless of a parent’s perception, or the child’s insistence that they behave a certain way, an open discussion about social safety is paramount. Examples of this would be: Always go with a group of friends if you’re attending some sort of party, never drink anything that you haven’t seen where it came from and where it’s been the whole time, always remain in eye contact with friends, etc. There’s no need for excessive worry, but it’s important for students (especially female students) to keep in mind that there are certain precautions one can take to improve her or his safety.

Another common example of a safety concern is theft. I’m sure that theft rates vary from school to school as they do from town to town and country to country. However, theft is likely to be present on any campus, regardless of its rates. Theft is another crime that seems (and I don’t have the statistics in front of me to back this up) to frequently be the result of someone not locking doors properly or leaving valuables unattended. I saw this happen at BU all the time (not theft, but students leaving laptops and handbags unattended). I should be careful to say that it is not lack of care that causes crime, it’s criminals, but using extra care can help safeguard against perpetrators. Someone who has been a victim of any crime needs to be heard and understood and offered the help they need to process and understand what happened, regardless of whether proper precautions were taken or not. With all of this in mind, a certain percentage of crime will happen, but carelessness seems to be a number one factor in vulnerability.

In general, students do fine in school. They grow and learn rapidly and with great energy. They don’t always need the newest gadgets to get by. In fact they often need the same things that have been needed for many generations, quarters for laundry, money for books, and a few good friends.

I hope that’s helpful. For parents who are concerned, you can always contact a school’s residence life team. However, I recommend that you strongly encourage your child to take steps for advocacy before getting involved yourself. This is a good way for your children to hone their independence skills and also, more often than not, a student has a much better take on what’s happening in their lives than do the parents. Ultimately, the student will need to be the one who works with residence life personnel. To repeat myself a bit here: Whether an issue is about something as simple as a maintenance problem or something of a more severe nature, some of the biggest lessons a student can learn while in school are about self advocacy and independence. Parents always want to help and protect their children, and sometimes the way to do this is the counterintuitive way. If you call the school on behalf of your child (as you, a great and loving parent, will want to do), your child is not necessarily learning to advocate for himself or herself.

I think that’s all I wanted to include from that original e-mail. I hope it’s helpful to some and good luck to all who are entering new beginnings.